Hi everyone, I'm writing this post unplanned. Butterflies kept on fluttering in my stomach and it seems to get worse by the minute. A few minutes of inspirational music and some news clips may have soothed me a bit but I'm still restless. Nah, this isn't about love. There is something wrong within my circle of friends...
I thought I've already found the answer... and I thought I've already accepted it. The whole world would've just lied, but the truth scared me. I'm not usually vocal about my personal emotional problems. I don't broadcast it to an audience of thousands. All I do is get a good friend who can lend me an ear and a comforting heart but even that is difficult; Because people tend to shun me off whenever I go with my rantings.
Do you know the feeling of being left out? I'm tired and sick of getting the same old treatment. Everyone recedes away as if I have a contagious, deadly disease. They say we should not take everyone for granted. Very easy to say, just takes about a second or two. But very difficult to execute. Yeah, we really should not. Because we can't have someone for eternity. A twist of fate or a prank joke of destiny gone wrong, that someone may be taken away from us without prior notice. Might be for the good, might be for worse.
They say people come and go. We all pass by our temporary lives. We meet different people for different reasons. Some come to teach us and some come to learn from us.
Perhaps that's the very reason why people nowadays tend to dismiss most that they meet as merely a part of a train of people that will pass by their platforms and stop for a while before heading somewhere else. They will ask you for directions, for advisories, for everything. But if it's time for them to go, their doors would simply slide back in and their wheels slowly chug away.
I kept on saying to myself that I should not expect anything in return. From the words of St. Therese, "When one loves, one does not calculate". I kept on thinking that everything I do is a labor of love, and for believing so I expect no remuneration.
I don't keep up scores, I don't want them to give me the much craved-for golden stars, but what I only ask them is to be them; If that's not asking too much. But do I really ask something in return, unconsciously?
There maybe some episodes in our life when we are being taken granted by someone. Oftentimes, we just ignore it. But if the same episodes keeps on repeating and repeating and that it has turned into a routine cycle, it really hurts a lot. And that's what I'm feeling at this very moment. I'm furious and very much hurt. No one seems to notice me when I beg for an ear that will listen, even if I pull their sleeves for attention.
I can't decipher the difference of being taken for granted and being taken advantage of. Perhaps it's the same thing after all.
It really hurts so bad when I feel like I'm invisible for most of the time only to re-appear when someone needs me and vanishes again when my purpose has been fulfilled. I thought I've already accepted my purpose in life as a walking confessional. People come and tell me their problems one after the other and sometimes it does take a toll on my health, both physically and emotionally. It could be draining at times. But I feel rewarded every time I know that I was able to be some help; That I guided someone to shore when I acted as their beacon of light.
But when a time comes when I become the ship in distress, the lighthouses seem to go dark and never will have will to find me back to shore. The mayday calls are unanswered. The radio of my spirit only receives hash. The ship is sinking fast and the waves become rougher. Yet, no signs of any rescue on the way. I have to wrestle with the waves for the night and work it out all alone till the following morning.
(NB: I was interrupted by my uncle at around 2:20am who scolded me for using the PC so late at night, not knowing how heavy and weary I feel now. It's now 7:24am on my PC clock. I can't sleep at all. There's really this gut-wrenching feeling.)
I've been wondering why do the people around me can easily get the help and ear they need while I'm left out begging for the same things from the same people. Those who I really don't expect to come are even the first, and often only ones, to rescue me.
Sometimes thoughts of being cold to others come across me but no matter what I do, I really can't get cold. I can't show them that what they do to me really hurts. I wish I wasn't empathic at all so all of this are just nothing.
At this time I'm thinking if I should stop being my old self; If I should say goodbye to my guardian angel, friend-to-run-to, and shoulder-you-can-cry-on image.
But my conscience kept on telling me that I should continue to help others no matter what. Well, I won't get tired of helping but I'm already sick and tired of the treatment that I get. Sometimes I hear good compliments from them, while they're "at my back". So I really wonder if I'm really something special for them.
Others say the best answer to get rid of being taken for granted is not to pursue any kind of relationship anymore with people who can't give you value and those who can't allot even a little of their time for you and for those who can't make any effort to show you that you're one of the best things that happened to them.
But still I can't explain why do I want to forge better, stronger relationships with the wrong people. I know that I don't hold anyone. That their lives don't just revolve around me. That they are currently busy. But even so, why I don't I receive anything? I send messages at times but to no avail. Not even a simple 'hi', 'hello', or 'how are you?'. They don't know how happy I feel whenever I hear from them.
As of now, I'm talking to one of my very few true friends who always lends me an ear and gives me value. I'm still so thankful for having those people around me. What they gave to me, I return to them in whole.
I hope there's someone out there who can untangle my nerves. I feel so helpless...
I thought I've already found the answer... and I thought I've already accepted it. The whole world would've just lied, but the truth scared me. I'm not usually vocal about my personal emotional problems. I don't broadcast it to an audience of thousands. All I do is get a good friend who can lend me an ear and a comforting heart but even that is difficult; Because people tend to shun me off whenever I go with my rantings.
Do you know the feeling of being left out? I'm tired and sick of getting the same old treatment. Everyone recedes away as if I have a contagious, deadly disease. They say we should not take everyone for granted. Very easy to say, just takes about a second or two. But very difficult to execute. Yeah, we really should not. Because we can't have someone for eternity. A twist of fate or a prank joke of destiny gone wrong, that someone may be taken away from us without prior notice. Might be for the good, might be for worse.
They say people come and go. We all pass by our temporary lives. We meet different people for different reasons. Some come to teach us and some come to learn from us.
Perhaps that's the very reason why people nowadays tend to dismiss most that they meet as merely a part of a train of people that will pass by their platforms and stop for a while before heading somewhere else. They will ask you for directions, for advisories, for everything. But if it's time for them to go, their doors would simply slide back in and their wheels slowly chug away.
I kept on saying to myself that I should not expect anything in return. From the words of St. Therese, "When one loves, one does not calculate". I kept on thinking that everything I do is a labor of love, and for believing so I expect no remuneration.
I don't keep up scores, I don't want them to give me the much craved-for golden stars, but what I only ask them is to be them; If that's not asking too much. But do I really ask something in return, unconsciously?
There maybe some episodes in our life when we are being taken granted by someone. Oftentimes, we just ignore it. But if the same episodes keeps on repeating and repeating and that it has turned into a routine cycle, it really hurts a lot. And that's what I'm feeling at this very moment. I'm furious and very much hurt. No one seems to notice me when I beg for an ear that will listen, even if I pull their sleeves for attention.
I can't decipher the difference of being taken for granted and being taken advantage of. Perhaps it's the same thing after all.
It really hurts so bad when I feel like I'm invisible for most of the time only to re-appear when someone needs me and vanishes again when my purpose has been fulfilled. I thought I've already accepted my purpose in life as a walking confessional. People come and tell me their problems one after the other and sometimes it does take a toll on my health, both physically and emotionally. It could be draining at times. But I feel rewarded every time I know that I was able to be some help; That I guided someone to shore when I acted as their beacon of light.
But when a time comes when I become the ship in distress, the lighthouses seem to go dark and never will have will to find me back to shore. The mayday calls are unanswered. The radio of my spirit only receives hash. The ship is sinking fast and the waves become rougher. Yet, no signs of any rescue on the way. I have to wrestle with the waves for the night and work it out all alone till the following morning.
(NB: I was interrupted by my uncle at around 2:20am who scolded me for using the PC so late at night, not knowing how heavy and weary I feel now. It's now 7:24am on my PC clock. I can't sleep at all. There's really this gut-wrenching feeling.)
I've been wondering why do the people around me can easily get the help and ear they need while I'm left out begging for the same things from the same people. Those who I really don't expect to come are even the first, and often only ones, to rescue me.
Sometimes thoughts of being cold to others come across me but no matter what I do, I really can't get cold. I can't show them that what they do to me really hurts. I wish I wasn't empathic at all so all of this are just nothing.
At this time I'm thinking if I should stop being my old self; If I should say goodbye to my guardian angel, friend-to-run-to, and shoulder-you-can-cry-on image.
But my conscience kept on telling me that I should continue to help others no matter what. Well, I won't get tired of helping but I'm already sick and tired of the treatment that I get. Sometimes I hear good compliments from them, while they're "at my back". So I really wonder if I'm really something special for them.
Others say the best answer to get rid of being taken for granted is not to pursue any kind of relationship anymore with people who can't give you value and those who can't allot even a little of their time for you and for those who can't make any effort to show you that you're one of the best things that happened to them.
But still I can't explain why do I want to forge better, stronger relationships with the wrong people. I know that I don't hold anyone. That their lives don't just revolve around me. That they are currently busy. But even so, why I don't I receive anything? I send messages at times but to no avail. Not even a simple 'hi', 'hello', or 'how are you?'. They don't know how happy I feel whenever I hear from them.
As of now, I'm talking to one of my very few true friends who always lends me an ear and gives me value. I'm still so thankful for having those people around me. What they gave to me, I return to them in whole.
I hope there's someone out there who can untangle my nerves. I feel so helpless...
2 comments:
Does it feel the Mew's loneliness scene from LOS? You just need to find someone.
Hi there..
Hmmm, I love the way you express your feelings through writing. I may be more than a half and a year late to comment on this one but I hope you would read this.
Like you I am one the walking confessional of majority (if not all) of my friends. I hear out family problems, fix broken relationships, helps someone to move on, help someone fix his life, constant reminder on what to do better, school projects and assignments maker and the list goes on.
However, unlike you, I don't feel that I am being left behind. Whenever I call out to my friends, they are instantly there. Whenever, I want someone to share my predicament, everyone seems so willing to lean an ear, and they are so attentive to my needs, whatever they are-- yeah, sometimes including the unimaginable (I am a gay, mind you. lol)
Am I commenting to make you feel worse? Definitely not, so here it is.
I am not the best diagnostician (or am I?) but here is what I think.
1. You are too special and too good. Face it, people most of the time loves bad companies (believe me) and you being too good can be considered out of the picture. Perhaps you lack the mistakes, the carelessness, the adventure juices and the stupidity to make people around you comfortable. Comfort is not only a question of equal footing, it is sometimes given by being inferior. And intimidation is not only felt among strangers. Anyway, the point is-- be a bitch!!!
2. You look too strong. Before, my friends can not determine that I have problems until I tell them...
to be continued, my time is out... If you want to know more send me a personal message at matias.regis@yahoo.com and on the subject just post The Love of Siam. hehe
Be happy!
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